4.) Unappreciated

I can be a very, very hard working guy and when I give her simple gifts, I always put more effort into it that I normally do. To tell y’all the truth, this was the only relationship so far where I gave my 110% for her. As time flew by, that 110% started to drop down. I got tired of being disappointed. Why? Here’s why.

Most of the time, when I give her gifts or do stuff for her, her reaction would be way, way far from what I was expecting. That’s sucks, big time, especially for me because like I said, I’ve put so much effort into this relationship. She also doesn’t bother to give back. I don’t even think that giving back ever crosses her mind.

She also told me to my face, in the rudest way possible, that “Palpak ka mag-surprise”. That hurts. I know I’ve made some blunders about the way I surprise things but she could’ve said that in a nice manner, right? What’s even worse is that we argued about “this thing” that she said and guess what, she made me look like the wrong person in the argument.

Y’all must be wondering: “What does that picture of a stuffed bunny have to do with this blog post with the title, Unappreciated? Furthermore, what does it symbolize?” Don’t worry, I’ll fucking tell it right now.

Last December 2011, I didn’t have any money back then so when we met at a christmas party, I haven’t gave her a present yet so I saved some of the money I received during the holidays. When classes resumed last January, I finally had enough money to buy her something. I’m not rich. My family isn’t rich. It was so difficult to save money back then because I could only save 20 pesos a day so buying her a decent gift was really hard to do.

I went to a local mall and bought her that purple stuffed bunny because purple was her favorite color. I bought it as quick as I can because she doesn’t like to wait alone at the bus stop where we always meet. She gets too impatient in less 10 minutes then gets mad at me for being late while I always wait for her for 30 minutes or more and she wouldn’t hear one single complaint from me.

Anyway, when I finally saw her, I gave her my gift. I’ll tell you this, the look on her face was so heartbreaking. It’s like she doesn’t even want to take that home. For the whole bus ride home, we didn’t talk. She didn’t even bother to comfort me and to top it all of, she was the one who got mad. What. The. Flying. Fuck.

When I got home, I was so depressed that I even forgot to open the gate and just stared blankly at the railings outside our home. I hid the teddy bear in an abandoned room in my grandparents’ house (It has been there ever since) and then lied down in bed. After a while, I received a text message and you know what she said?

“Sana iba na lang ni-regalo mo sa akin.”

7:49 pm  •  23 December 2012

3.) First Date

We finally got to meet each other for the first time since our relationship started and it was a blast.

We were with our mutual friends and we originally planned to visit Kim, a friend who I lost almost 5 years ago. Our meeting place was at a nearby Jollibee. I went there early so I can prepare myself better. My heart was pounding like crazy, hands were getting sweaty, and my knees were shaking. I was THAT nervous. When she finally arrived, she didn’t want to sit next to me because she was shy, I mean REALLY shy. It took a while for her not to be anymore and I made my move and sat next to her. So we talked and talked and talked until it’s time to go to the cemetery.

When we arrived at the cemetery, we immediately said a prayer to Kim and went to the cemetery’s playground. Yes, a cemetery with a playground.

We were like kids there. We were on the swings, running around chasing each other, stole her phone so she can go after me, and everything else that made that day perfect.

For dinner, we went to the mall and ate at McDonalds. To be honest, McDonalds isn’t a great place for a date but with her, she made everything worthwhile. I didn’t get to finish my food because I wasn’t really hungry at that time so I brought my leftovers with me.

After dinner, we planned on heading back already to the meeting place earlier. As we were about to cross the street, she told me that she doesn’t know how to cross a road so as we were crossing, I held her hand and I swear to the heavens, that was the sweetest thing ever. What made it more sweet was that she also held my hand tightly!

We finally got back at Jollibee and her dad went on to pick her up. I went home with a huge smile on my face. Hell, I even slept with a smile on my face. That’s how awesome that day was.

8:00 pm  •  11 December 2012  •  2 notes

2.) Getting to know each other.

This period has got to be one of the happiest moments of our entire relationship. We would talk non-stop for the whole summer. There wasn’t a day where we wouldn’t talk. Every second is just pure happiness. From doodling to endless phone calls ‘till 4 AM in the morning. How I miss these days. I may have to spend money for us to talk on our phones but hey, it’s my crush that I’m talking to! I couldn’t care less about money. All I ever wanted was to be with here and I couldn’t ask for more.

10:44 pm  •  10 December 2012  •  1 note

I remember it like it was yesterday. There was only happiness. No problems, no complicated stuff, just pure happiness. I’ve had a crush on her for a very, very, very long time. She was the girl of my dreams. When we were still friends, I used to go online on Yahoo Messenger almost every single night just to see if she’s online. I used to be the happiest kid when she replies to my IMs. We would talk and talk and talk about almost every single thing that we could think of. We could only talk through Y!M because we were enrolled in different schools. I met her through my high school friends because they were her friends when they were classmates in elementary school.

Everytime we talk, I always had the urge to tell her my feelings for her but I got scared. I have the biggest fear of being rejected and I thought that if I told her about my feelings, she’ll back off and she’ll never want to talk to me again so that erased my “Relationship with my ultimate crush” wish.

Every week, I told stories about her to my friends and they finally figured out that i had a huge crush on her.

One summer night, I was minding my own business. It was April 27, 2 days after her 16th birthday. She was online. I was too. I didn’t send her a message because I thought that she’s getting annoyed by my constant IMs. One of my friends started a conversation with her and he told her that someone had a crush on her and he was leading clues that lead to me. This was all unplanned and I was unaware that my friend will do such a thing. As I was editing my friendster account, I received a conference invite. Inside the conference was her and my friend. My friend told me that he has set everything up and all I needed to do was to tell her how much I like her. I typed in “Zee, may gusto ako sayo.” but I was too much of a wuss to press enter. After a while, I finally came to my senses and had the courage to press enter.

I was sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish market. I have never been that nervous in my life before. The agony of waiting for a reply from her has risen to an all-time high. I was about to log off when she replied that she likes me too and from that point on, a relationship finally started.

8:53 pm  •  9 December 2012  •  2 notes

I’m the one who broke it off and to be honest, I don’t like it one bit. This also hurts for me, believe me.

“The best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature” -Henry Miller

I heard this quote from the movie, (500) days of summer. I thought it was a good idea so I decided to give it a try. I’ll name this series of blog posts, “32 posts about Zee” where I’ll talk about how we met, the joys, struggles, problems and how everything ended. Why 32? It stands for 32 months. (April 2010-December 2012)

7:44 pm  •  9 December 2012  •  1 note

Do you know how miracles happen and then the fortunate person thanks God while the unfortunate ones get left behind in sorrow?

“Thank God I was saved from the accident! It’s a miracle!” (Yeah, but a lot of people died)

I’m not against religion or anything but what logic does a God have to have when these types of situations occur? If he literally gives all the blessings that we need then why are there still people that get left out? Why isn’t life fair for others? If we are all a gift from God then why are there people who are overly-gifted in terms of talent, wealth, intelligence etc.?

There’s a saying that “Nasa tao ang gawa, nasa Diyos ang awa” (The acts are from the person, the mercy is from God) but has anyone ever stopped and said to himself/herself “Does God really show mercy for the less fortunate”?

Think about it for a second.

Trust me, there are no bitter grapes when this blog post was made.

2:35 pm  •  20 October 2012

This is what I keep saying to myself ever since the prelim exams for this semester ended… and it’s true. All my blockmates are partying, having fun, hanging out, carefree, doing what happy people would do, while I’m all alone, thinking about how I could pass the subjects I’m having a hard time with. I gave it my all but it still isn’t good enough.

As of this moment, while I’m typing this blog post, my self-confidence and self-esteem severely dropped. I’m depressed, I’m lonely, I’m hopeless, and I’m dumb as fuck. I can’t even approach a friend. Why? ‘Cause nobody’s there. They’re all busy having fun and enjoying life. They don’t need to talk to me. I’ll only bring them down with my loneliness.

There goes that boy who used to be one of the smartest kids in high school. What remains now is a boy who is as dumb as a zombie. I’m a complete disappointment to my family. There they were, expecting me to be at least average in college and they got the complete opposite?

I can’t even look at myself in the mirror and be proud. I can’t take pride on failures. That’s stupid. You may learn a lot from failures but a person could only handle so much. I’m tired of always being in the wrong end of everything. I thought I was strong but no, I’m wrong.

1:56 am  •  19 October 2012  •  1 note

Ang Aking Pagmamahal sa Unibersidad ng Santo Tomas

Aking pag-ibig ay ipinaparamdam ko ng wagas

Para sa Unibersidad ng Santo Tomas

Sino ang hindi mabibighani sa unibersidad na kayganda

Na hindi lamang sa Pilipinas, kundi sa buong mundo ay kilala

Mga “Tigre” ika nga, ang tawag sa mga mag-aaral

Na nabubuhay sa tiwala, puso at dasal

Ito ang mga katangian na nagpapakita kung gaano

Katatag at masipag ang bawat “Tomasino”

 Ang pagiging “Pontifical” at “Royal” ay isang nitong taglay

Ang mga nakamit na parangal ay hindi kayang mapantay

Sa bawat kanta, bawat bulong at bawat sigaw

Nangingibabaw palagi ang kulay na dilaw

Ang tulang ito ay hindi pa sapat

upang ang aking mga nararamdaman ay ipagtapat

Ang walang katapusang grasya ay aking ilalantad

Para sa aking pinakaminamahal na unibersidad

11:02 pm  •  21 September 2012  •  4 notes

“Wake up, sister. You have to take your medicine now.” Lito said to her sister, Sheila. She has been on her hospital bed for the past 4 weeks. She has been feeling weak and sick even way before she got admitted to the hospital. “I don’t want to take that stupid medicine anymore. I’m probably gonna die anyway.” Sheila said in an angry manner. “But you have to take this! You wanna get out of this hospital, don’t you?” Lito insisted. “I don’t know.” Sheila answered. “I’m oblivious to what I’m gonna do when I get out of here”. Sheila is at the very old age of 82. “Then come with me to London! You can live with me and my family.” Lito suggested. Sheila didn’t respond to her brother’s suggestion and went on to drink her prescribed medicine.

“You know Lito, I’m tired of laying here at my bed all day. Help me walk around the hospital. An old lady like me needs exercise too. All I need is for you to assist and accompany me.”

“Okay, sister. I will.” Lito replied.

Sheila had a hard time walking around the hospital but she enjoyed it. The pain in her knees became tolerable. It seemed that her eagerness to see things other than the white wall, the old television, the curtain and the old building outside the window in her room at the hospital, made her feel no pain at all. As long as she’s seeing other things, it’s like her body’s becoming numb.

“Easy does it Ate Sheila. I don’t want you getting hurt.” Lito said to Sheila.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.” Sheila answered.

After a few minutes of walking, they passed by an open room where they saw one big family celebrating their confined relative’s birthday. Everybody in the room was happy.

Sheila couldn’t help but think about the family she had. Her husband, Nestor, was abusive and a drunkard. He would always go home drunk after work and would break pieces of furniture then he would pass out after the outrage. Sheila would also receive beatings from her husband when he didn’t get what he wanted. Nestor died during a brawl at a bar where a man stabbed him multiples times. Her son was a criminal. Her son, Mario, was convicted of murder and rape. Ever since Mario was a teenager, he started doing awful things. He vandalized property, sold and used drugs, had sex with random women, and just like his father, Mario also became a drunkard at an early age. This is the reason why her brother Lito is the only one visiting her and is the only one paying for her medical bills. Lito and Sheila had been close siblings ever since. They practically did everything together. Lito met his wife at a work outing and after marrying her, they migrated to London because of the job offers to the both of them, leaving Sheila in the Philippines along with their parents. After a few years, their parents died of natural causes due to old age.

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11:19 pm  •  2 August 2012

These past few days have been hard. I’ve never felt this dull before. I don’t know what’s happening to me…. to us. It seems like the spark that used to be powerful is gone now, like a used firecracker. No matter how hard I try to approach her, it seems like she’s building a wall between us and to make things even worse, she’s also walking away.

I’m getting tired..

I don’t know what else I should do. She’s changed. She’s like this thing who’s unresponsive to anything. It also seems like I can’t feel anything between us anymore. I feel neglected and unappreciated. No matter what I do, nothing seems to happen. Nothing.

I know it’s wrong for me to demand so much, especially when she’s busy with her studies but I feel that she forgets me sometimes. It’s sad. It’s horrible. It’s depressing. I’m hopeless.

I don’t know anymore. Maybe it’s us not seeing each other. It may also be us not getting enough time with each other. Or maybe, she’s falling out of love..

I love her so much. I really do. But this pain is too much.. This has got to be the emptiest week of my life and no one seems to be filling it. No one..

9:50 pm  •  28 May 2012